Some of the horrible things that have occurred in a restaurant.

The most egregious and foul things which have happened in a restaurant or bar.

This is a tough title to take... Over my 9 or so years in the hospitality industry I have seen some fucked up shit. I mean, seriously fucked up... I have seen transvestites pissing in alleys, people doing shit to customers food, customers doing shit to other customers food and the list goes on and on. Here is a little taste of things that happen on an all too frequent basis all over the world.

Little Buddy orders a sub and Pukes on a waiter...

A friend of mine stumbled out of one of his favorite watering holes and decided it was time to eat. He took the long, one eyed, teetering, John Wayne walk down the small South Buffalo side walks to Recckio's craving a Turkey Sub. After babbling incessantly to the waiter he finally ordered.

"Turkey and, uhm, er, Bread... And some cheese and shit... Just yeah go, make it happen!" The waiter gazed in amazement. Dejectedly and amazed Little Buddy was able to walk the ten blocks there and let alone speak in his condition, did as he was asked. Little Buddy tore into that sub with the intensity of Ocho Cinco at the possibility of being in the headlines.

When he finished he leaned back in his chair and groaned, motioning for the waiter for the bill while he continuously let out some of the most foul smelling belches anyone has ever smelled. The waiter approached and Little Buddy went to town.

He projected like an Opera singer on stage. This was probably the most amazing puke fest since "Fat Ass" in "Stand by Me."

The waiter sat awestruck dripping in a mixture of Jameson, mayonnaise, Busch Light and Jagermeister. The table, the bar, and the couple sitting at the high top table across from him were all as soaked as the waiter. Little Buddy lost it. He started laughing uncontrollably.

Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a crumple pile of pills and peeled a fifty off. He dropped it onto the table and stumbled home...

While we're on the Subject of Turkey Subs...

Recently a good Friend of mine made a late night trip to a Sub place in his neighborhood. He was a regular, they new his order by heart and always delivered a delicious meal. Now my friend is the type of person who takes good care of himself, eats right, no fatty foods, no red meat and NO MAYO!

Unfortunately for the kid making the sub, a prickish little fucker who was looking for a fight, my friend does not take it well when you screw up his food order. Trust me, I know, he has given me shit for it when I put something in wrong on his lunch order.

Food comes and my friend is relaxing unwraps it and takes a big bite. Mayo goes everywhere. Health nut gets aggravated.

"Uhm, hey, yeah you said you knew my order, I really didn't want--" my friend managed out before the lippy 18 year old cut him off.

"Yeah, Yeah, no mayo." the kid said giving my friend the biggest look of disgust.

"Well if it's not a big deal, if you could just make me a new one." The kid began his work on the sub. As my friend watched the kid takes the mayo gun and fills the entire sub roll with about a gallon and a half of mayo and drops it on the counter.

My friend just smiled."Uhm,well friend, I did say no mayo, and I quite clearly--" he was cut off again.

"You got what you got MOTHA FUCKA!" Health nut goes berserk.

Before anyone knows what happens my friend launches the mayo crusted sub through the air like Brett Favre bombing a long one down field. It hits the kid square in the chest. Mayo explodes EVERYWHERE! The kid tries to come over the counter and has to be held back by a few of his coworkers.

Needless to say, my friend can't eat there anymore...

Just like me, except mine is a Wendy's...

A couple of good friends and I used to get together weekly for a lunch at Wendy's. This particular day I had been slightly hung over. Needless to say I was pissing a LOT. Just before we went to order I stopped to hit the head, did my business in the urinal and then went about my OCD, anal retentive hand washing ritual when I noticed the urinal was really, really loud.

I turned my head in time to see the urinal spill over onto the floor. Then begin to spray on the wall. I walked out calmly and motioned my friends to the door while I mouthed "Go, go, GO!" Unfortunately for me, My ID dropped on the floor of the rest room when I reached in my pocket for some hand sanitizer. There was already a message on my answering machine by the time I got home.

"Hello Mr. Bartender, this is Jeff. I am the manager from the Wendy's you were at this afternoon. I do not know what you did to the restroom this afternoon, but I am going to have to ask that you NEVER return to our restaurant." I called back and tried to explain that I was embarrassed by the situation and had figured it would stop on it's own eventually.

They needless, to say, were not in the mood for my explanations, nor did they believe the urinal just overflowed on it's own. Apparently they had to close for two days to repair the damage and disinfect everything... It's been a while since I didn't have to drive out of my way for a Spicy Chicken Combo...

What can I say? At least I didn't shit on the floor...

Unfortunately and much to the chagrin of my staff, I can not say the same for one of the patrons of the bar today. The bar is not the place you would expect to walk into and find a half naked man covered in feces just hanging around in the restroom.

Unless you went there recently. The poor bastard had a simple accident. What followed however was the best part. He asked the Bartender (whom he reffered to with a very informal version of his name) very calmly and like he was asking for a refill, to "Go tell that little lesbian looking broad I'm sitting with that I had a bit of an accident? Thanks Buddy!"

The bartender walked out shaking his head awestruck. "There is, I just, it's everywhere." I asked what the hell he was talking about. "it's on the walls man." he managed out.

"What?" I said, more than slightly confused.

"There is SHIT. All. Over. The walls..." He said straight faced just shaking his head. This guy would've made the Tucker Max incident look like nothing. There was literally shit covering 90% of the floor. Like and elephant had drank some Colon Blow 3000. And this is NOT a small bathroom.

There is a special spot in heaven reserved for my staff.

Until Next Time Friends... Don't Drink Anything I Don't Know How to Make...

Mac The Bartender

Tunnel Vision and a Rememberance of a Friend...

10/21/2009

There have been times in my career when I wanted to beat my chest and howl at the moon, days when I felt like primitive man trying to understand complex trigonometry. There have been days when I had the AH-HA moment, like the NASA scientists figuring out how to breach our atmosphere and fly to the stars.

Then there have been times where I have questioned everything I am, my career, my goals, my experiences and my strengths and there are times where I have ridden a huge wave of success. This has not been one of those weeks.

I had a run in with a man who I will admit, at times, I do not like. I am sure he has at times felt the same about me. But through it all I have respected him. I have been impressed with his efforts and skill.

Then there were times like this week when I cringed every time I saw him. Everyday until today. Being an Irish (see also: stubborn) bartender, growing up in the family I did, being in the industry I am, I have learned it is very easy to misread someone’s intentions and get sent into an upheaval of anger.

It has been awkward around the restaurant this week. Dodging glances and mincing words. Both I and my coworker have found ourselves unsure of how to react to one another. When we finally spoke I realized we were, much to my chagrin, untrustingly alike. Stubborn, prideful, idealistic and a tad over protective of our image. Whether it is our own self held images or the images everyone else seems to have of us.

On my part, call it the sin of youth, on his call it the sin of experience. We did find, however, that we have one common ground (or many depending on your view) we both want the restaurant to succeed. I can respect him for that. A lot.

As a human sometimes we tend to lose sight of the big picture. So often focusing on every little thing until we nit pick so much that there is nothing left… It is the human flaw of hubris. We want so much for something to work, succeed, for our own sake, that we tend to over look the fact that one tiny imperfection doesn’t change the over all value of something…

I try so hard every day to make my life, the restaurant, the bar run so smoothly and without error to help myself along, help my career, give me that shot in the arm of self patronizing pat on the back which I (at times)seem to think I need so much, that it snowballs and becomes one big mess.

Sometimes it takes someone else who is under the gun over reacting to something small to make you realize that you have been overreacting to small things all along.

To make matters worse this is one of the worst days I tend to experience throughout the year… Today is the fourth anniversary of Jason’s death. I have dealt better today than I have in previous years (a.k.a. not fall down drunk.)

It tends to be a tough situation for me to deal with. Someone who taught me so much, was such a great mentor, was just gone in a flash of twisted metal. And I never even got the chance to say goodbye. But tonight when I button up the bar, and turn off all the lights, I’ll take the short ride home to my home and do what I have done every year since he left. I’ll pour myself a glass of Crown, throw “Cocktail” in the DVD player and have a toast to my friend…

Until next time Buffalo… Don’t drink anything I wouldn’t…

Mac The Bartender

I am in a constant state of Bills denial...

Buffalo Bills fans are like abused women... We keep going back knowing how things are gonna turn out, but we still tell everyone "this time they're gonna change!"

Kristina Schmitt

As a Buffalonian I am embarrassed. As a Bills fan, disgusted. As a Bills fan from Buffalo I am not the least bit surprised. Dick Jauron misses the guillotine yet again.

After what seemed to be the most heart breaking, upsetting loss of the Jauron era in Miami, Bills fans did not think it could get any worse. Apparently we spoke too soon. Buffalo loses 6-3 in a gut wrenching heartbreaking loss to a, up until that point, winless team.

Now I know what you are thinking, there is no way Dick Jauron could survive this. But unfortunately enough for Buffalo fans he seems to be the Charlie Sheen of the NFL. The Teflon man, nothing sticks to him.

Jauron, a coach not even wanted by the ever losing Detroit Lions, seems to have found a niche within the Buffalo Bills organization. The scapegoat. He has become the man who constantly and willingly bears the weight of loss for an owner who refuses to spend any money, a team who can’t seem to get it together and a coach [himself] who can’t seem to find a winning season

As we all know, shit trickles down hill. Turk Schonert, although he should have been fired two years ago, was kept on for [most likely] use as a scapegoat when Jauron needed to save his ass.

The next logical step (other than firing himself) would be to replace his embattled quarterback Trent Edwards with a veteran free-agent such as Jeff Garcia (who ironically enough would probably have more of a playing rapport with wide receiver Terrell Owens, despite the off field drama which would most likely occur.)

Despite the three year losing streak, the fact that he hasn’t won a divisional game in god knows how long and the fact that he is the most wanted and probably despised man in Buffalo his team has stood by him. Publicly expressing their upset about constantly “letting Jauron down.” Admitting time and again that they are not performing to their potential, which they feel is a slap in Jauron’s face.

Any other team would have called Jauron out on the carpet and made it abundantly clear they wanted some real talent to lead them. In other words, throw them under the bus to save their own skin (much as they helped Jauron do with Turk Schonert.)

But I have surmised that they are unable if not unwilling to give up a coach who publicly accepts all the responsibility on his shoulders rather than assigning blame where it is due. They have a name for that, cowardice.

Last time the Buffalo Bills fired a Head Coach in midseason we were fortunate enough to obtain on Marv Levy. Look how well that panned out for us, while we did not win any of them, we were fortunate enough to appear in four consecutive Super Bowls. We wound up with some of the best players to ever play the game, let alone [for] the Bills.

These same NFL greats are now the same aging goliaths whose shadows hang heavy upon the team who is eclipsed by what they once were. These same players that had publicly embraced us last season when we started out 4-0. The momentous greats who now can’t stomach sitting through an entire game at home. They have even publicly come fourth saying what we have for a while now; these players are not fit to wear the Buffalo Bills uniform.

Unfortunately for Buffalo, Ralph C. Wilson Jr., the illustrious Patriarch of the NFL at 91 years old, who was pinnacle in the construction of the AFL-NFL merger, is not a Buffalo citizen, he is a citizen of Detroit. And seems to aspire (lately at least) to be no better than the 2008-2009, winless Detroit Lions.

But being now, and always (no matter what city they will reside in after Mr. Wilson’s eventual and unavoidable demise) a Buffalo Bills fan, I can only Hope that Chris Berman is right. I hope that I can be shown that “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.”

Until next time Buffalo… Don’t drink anything I wouldn’t…

Mac The Bartender

Caffeine and why it can lead to akward situations at the bar...

I'm Tired, physically drained and there isn't much I can do about it. Between work, moving, working on the menu/pricing/order prep for The Club, my regular job at the restaurant and still trying to maintain the normal relationships one could try and have with all this insanity going on. There's one thing that keeps me going... Caffeine... Whether it's Red Bull, coffee, cappucino or jamming whole bags of unground coffee beans straight into my mouth.

I was up late and my favorite Robert Downy Jr. movie was on "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." A degenerate thief with a pill addiction who stumbles ass backwards into some awkward situations. I'm not quite sure why I love that movie so much. Who knows?

Lately I've realized that my friends are all as insane as me. Charlie has a caffeine addiction which at times has lead to strange circumstances and situations, such as the infamous cranberry situation three years ago.

You see Charlie and I found it to be a spectacularly bright idea one year (and subsequently every year) during our busiest two weeks to slam two to three 24 ounce espressos a day. Unfortunately for us it lead to many strange looks and confusion with a customer or two (at least on my part) which left them wondering if I was freebasing crack out of a light bulb behind the restaurant.

The bar was three or four people deep after a concert and Charlie and I were all hopped up on Colombian goodness (COFFEE BEANS!) A customer ordered a vodka and cranberry and it was all down hill from there. Charlie fell short and ran to the back to get more. There was none to be found anywhere. Charlie booted the store room door open and fired an empty bottle of Cranberry juice across the bar into a wall.

"CRAAANNNNNBEERRRRRYYYYY!" Charlie yelled at the top of his lungs; like he was Brando in "A Street Car Named Desire." the bar stopped dead. I burst into a fit of laughter and the rest of the bar followed suite. The third bartender tried her best to avoid us, thoroughly convinced we had gone mad.

Someone started singing the tune to "Charles in Charge" and Charlie started to dance. To say Charlie is a bad dancer in to say Elaine from Seinfeld is an OK dancer. It's understatement (and this is coming from a deaf, white, Irish kid.) My fit of laughter continued. I was doubled over stomping my foot, tears streaming down my face. The third bartender hunkered herself down in fear one of our heads would explode and shower her in gray matter.

When I finally gained enough composure to wait on customers again I managed out a "HifriendwelcometothebarwhatcanIgetforyou?" Looks confusing eh? How do you think the poor bastard I said it to felt? He looked at me awkwardly before managing out a "What?"

"WhatcanIgetchabeerwinewhiskeybeerwhiskeybeertasteylibations?" He customer looked scared. "I uhm, can I, get me -- ugh --Beer?" I poured him a draft and snatched his cash. The customer didn't bother waiting for his change. I heard him tell his wife "That fuckin' kid's on something, let's get the hell out of here!" another customer asked if I just got back from skiing. I didn't catch it at the time. Smart ass. "Skiing? It's August? You're funny." I grabbed my coffee cup and pounded away. He figured it out real quick.

The moral of the story is, Caffeine is a horrible, horrible, mean nasty thing... I'm runnin' to Starbucks, anyone want anything?

Until next time... Don't drink anything I wouldn't...

Mark Croce to open a $19 million boutique hotel in Downtown Buffalo. The only catch? No one in Buffalo will ever be able to afford to stay there!

I for one, am for development in Buffalo, any part of Buffalo, Downtown, West Side, South Buffalo, east side et cetera, et cetera. However, if you’re going to develop the city of Buffalo, why not have something that people in Buffalo can actually afford. And I don’t mean Buffalo’s small population of rich affluent people.

Mark Croce has made a living in Buffalo extorting business owners for parking spaces and college students for over priced parking when they are out drinking like well, college students.

But Mark Croce’s penultimate cash cow has been his over priced string of Franklin Street establishments. The Chop House being his center piece establishment. An establishment [which] for most Western New Yorker’s is a place they will never see the inside of.

Now, Mark Croce has finally come forward admitting (what we’ve all known for a while now) that despite saying otherwise in recent interviews, he will be opening a Four Diamond rated boutique hotel in Buffalo New York. You know, Buffalo, NY; the third poorest city in the country per capita. Croce has invested $19 million dollars into the project. Although it is not clear how much of that money belonged to Croce and how much of it was from different Federal, State and City grants.

Croce, who obviously didn’t graduate from the Russell Salvatore School of Business Ethics and Class, has decided to expand his Franklin Street conglomerate to include lodging. No doubt it will be built to the utmost standards. It will probably be over the top and laden with Italian Marble in the typical snobbish fashion.

Which brings me back to my point, Buffalo is the third poorest city in the country. Aside from Buffalo’s small populous of wealthy elite, visitors from Toronto, NYC or out of market sports teams in to play our local greats, who will be able to afford the inevitable gourmet restaurant, 20,000 foot banquet halls or the overly expensive rooms overnight or for an hour for that matter? And if you think it’s going to be reasonably priced, you’re probably to kind of person who would accept Kool-Aid from a man in Nike sneakers and purple robes…

For that matter where does Croce expect his guests to park? He doesn’t own any large lots close enough to the facility to house the expected traffic. And you know someone who can afford to stay the night at a Four Diamond hotel probably drives the kind of car which they won’t be to thrilled about parking on the street.

For this to work ideally, Croce would have to buy a string of buildings on Delaware Avenue which border his existing lot with entrances on Huron and Delaware. I know one person who will be pretty stubborn about selling their bar to help Croce out.

But, as much as I am against such a grand display of Mark’s wealth, persona and arrogance all to give him one more ego stroke, I am for development and jobs coming to a dismal Buffalo market. What can I say? At least he isn’t opening another parking lot… Yet…

Until next time Buffalo… Don’t drink anything I wouldn’t...
Mac The Bartender

The national media exploits isolated incidents to make Buffalo look foolish...

"ESPN has become the Fox News of Sports, and Skip Bayless is their Bill O'Reilly"
--Charles Roberts

First Patrick Kane's infamous "Cabbie Incident" then T.O.'s innocuous comments, followed by McKelvin's front lawn and now Dante Whitner is missing $400,000 in jewelry... For a city with so much good going on the national media focuses on our stereotypes and isolated incidents to make us look so bad.

Anytime you hear about Buffalo inevitably, topics brought up include: chicken wings (yes CHICKEN WINGS not BUFFALO WINGS), our massive lake effect snow, the four lost Super Bowls or Niagara Falls (which is NOT in Buffalo, it's in NIAGARA FALLS!)...

Buffalo is made out to be a city full of low brow, middle class blue collar hicks who play hockey all year. Now I have to hear about how "dangerous"Buffalo is for an athlete to live in? Why? Because two dumb ass 16 year old kids spray painted McKelvin's lawn (which is NOT in Buffalo, it's in Hamburg) or because Dante Whitner's house was broken into and $400,000 worth of jewelery is stolen?

Who leaves $400,000 dollars of jewelery laying around? BUY A SAFE! I don't leave my $15 earrings laying around anywhere! The other comments have been about Leodis McKelvin pressing charges on the kids who spray painted his lawn. McKelvin didn't. the District Attorney did. So ESPN can stop with those comments as well.

And Regardless if McKelvin pressed charges or not, who cares? They defaced his property and were trespassing. They should be taught an important lesson early in life before they do something even more stupid. Like, I don't know? Stealing $400,000 worth of jewelry from Dante Whitner's home?

Now let's focus on T.O.'s innocuous comments from the end of the Monday Night Season Opener at Gillette. T.O. said in a nut shell

"There were some opportunities that we missed, and those are some of the things you’re talking about," Owens said. "It's always a work in progress, and Trent has to better assess what he’s seeing out there and take some shots down the field.

"We're going to do that, and by no means was that the reason that we lost the game. There were some opportunities and until the last five minutes, we had the game in the bag. That really wasn’t that case.

"Obviously, we didn’t utilize myself and Lee as much as we would like, but we still had the game won."

These were sentiments echoed by Buffalo's Quarterback Trent Edwards, Wide Receiver Lee Evans and Offensive Coordinator Alex Van Pelt.

Yet somehow everybody's agreement (including the national media and the Buffalo fans) on this statement is neglected by ESPN Mullet Enthusiast of the year Skip Bayless. He targeted T.O. and insisted that it was a return to the old days of Terrell Owens causing upheaval in the locker room.

Did I mention our Quarterback, other main Receiver and Coaching staff all agreed with Owens? If ESPN is the Fox News of sports, Skip Bayless is the Bill O'Reilly of the network, then Terrell Owens is the Democratic Party of the National Football League.

Now let's not forget the 75,000 or so screaming fans which stream to the stadium weekly to enjoy watching their local sports team, in good weather or our famous torrential weather, win, loss or draw. The hard working citizens of a small city who spend their "blue collar" money on one of the smallest markets in the league. The same people looking for a couple of hours of entertainment on a Sunday before they have to return to their jobs on Monday.

Seems like any other city to me? But like Always Buffalo is stereotyped as a city of losers. Isn't it about time the citizens of the area start to object? Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling T.O. a saint, but let's save the attacks on Owen's character for if and when it is actually appropriate.

John Lennon asked us all in 1969 to "Give peace a chance." I am asking fourty years later to "Give Buffalo some respect."

Until next time Buffalo... Don't drink anything I wouldn't...

Mac The Bartender

New York State sees a glimmer of hope. President Obama, urges Governor Paterson not to run for a second term.

Anyone from New York is aware of the ongoing budgetary crisis, the looming tax situation and recent 27% tariffs levied on Beer and Wine sales in the State of New York which are buttoning up bars and restaurants as quickly as the smoking ban which hit the state in late 2003 and early 2004.

And anyone who follows politics is aware that there was already no love lost between President Obama and Governor Patterson due to the latter’s appointment of Kristen Gillibrand to Hillary Clinton’s former Senate seat rather than Obama supporter Caroline Kennedy. This was also not a big win with New York voters.

Governor Patterson took over for the embarrassed, Prostitute enthusiast, Elliot Spitzer in March 2008 after Spitzer was busted in conjunction with a statewide prostitution ring.

Since then Paterson, who has proven himself far too inexperienced for the job, has made one poor decision after another. In his first day in office he called for an “end to dysfunction in Albany.” He should have tendered his resignation that day and saved New York voters a lot of headaches and aggravation.

Patterson rushed his budget through the state senate which was spoon fed to the voters as a way to close the billions of dollars in budget gaps. The budget which was ultimately passed increased New York’s deficit by $1.4 billion in as little as ninety days.

In Patterson’s 2009 Budget he was able to close the budget to nearly 4.9 billion dollars at the expense of small business owners and higher taxes for the middle class. He also levied a 27% tariff on all alcohol and wine sales inside New York. The rising costs are causing consumers to spend less time at local watering holes and restaurants causing many to either cut staff or close all together.

The 2010 Budget is a mess as well. New Yorkers face a budget deficit of $15.1 million dollars and a state debt of $55 million. This is how Patterson proposes closing the gap:

 An "Obesity tax", which would add an extra tax of over 18% on all non diet soft drinks such as regular soda, and energy drinks (a tax for being fat)
 New 4% Taxes on digital music downloads, videos and pictures downloaded or the "I-tax"
 A tax increase on malt-flavored beverages, beer, and wine (a tax for drinking your NYS blues away)
 A 4% tax on taxi rides, car rentals and limousine services
 A tax on movie tickets (as if they aren’t expensive enough)
 A new 4% 'personal services tax' on haircuts, beauty salons, health club services, and weight loss programs (so now we tax people for trying NOT to be fat)
 A 4% tax placed on cable and satellite TV, pay per view movies
 Additional fees for fishing, and camping
 New fees on items ranging from boilers, to explosives, to jewelry, to sporting events
 A 4 percent sales tax on clothing and shoes under $500, except for two weeks out of the year
 Additional fees on automobile purchases, registration and driving fees.
 The Ravitch Commission recommendations, which include tolls on the city-owned East River and Harlem River bridges (which has never been done before), and levy an annual driver's tax based on vehicle weight

But what kills me is, once again tax payers suffer the brunt. I don’t see any pay cuts for State employees or elected officials. Benefit reductions for elected officials as us poor “peons” face skyrocketing and historically high health care costs. The rich get richer and fatter while we pick up the tab.

President Obama’s main concern is Patterson’s dwindling poll numbers which reflect poorly on the Democrats. This is fine by me, as it means we get one more Albatross out from around our necks, even if that wasn’t the intent.

Now if we could just find someone to run against Byron Brown… Is it too late for Mickey Kearns to file as an independent?

Until next time Buffalo… Don’t drink anything I wouldn’t…

Mac The Bartender