Some of the horrible things that have occurred in a restaurant.

The most egregious and foul things which have happened in a restaurant or bar.

This is a tough title to take... Over my 9 or so years in the hospitality industry I have seen some fucked up shit. I mean, seriously fucked up... I have seen transvestites pissing in alleys, people doing shit to customers food, customers doing shit to other customers food and the list goes on and on. Here is a little taste of things that happen on an all too frequent basis all over the world.

Little Buddy orders a sub and Pukes on a waiter...

A friend of mine stumbled out of one of his favorite watering holes and decided it was time to eat. He took the long, one eyed, teetering, John Wayne walk down the small South Buffalo side walks to Recckio's craving a Turkey Sub. After babbling incessantly to the waiter he finally ordered.

"Turkey and, uhm, er, Bread... And some cheese and shit... Just yeah go, make it happen!" The waiter gazed in amazement. Dejectedly and amazed Little Buddy was able to walk the ten blocks there and let alone speak in his condition, did as he was asked. Little Buddy tore into that sub with the intensity of Ocho Cinco at the possibility of being in the headlines.

When he finished he leaned back in his chair and groaned, motioning for the waiter for the bill while he continuously let out some of the most foul smelling belches anyone has ever smelled. The waiter approached and Little Buddy went to town.

He projected like an Opera singer on stage. This was probably the most amazing puke fest since "Fat Ass" in "Stand by Me."

The waiter sat awestruck dripping in a mixture of Jameson, mayonnaise, Busch Light and Jagermeister. The table, the bar, and the couple sitting at the high top table across from him were all as soaked as the waiter. Little Buddy lost it. He started laughing uncontrollably.

Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a crumple pile of pills and peeled a fifty off. He dropped it onto the table and stumbled home...

While we're on the Subject of Turkey Subs...

Recently a good Friend of mine made a late night trip to a Sub place in his neighborhood. He was a regular, they new his order by heart and always delivered a delicious meal. Now my friend is the type of person who takes good care of himself, eats right, no fatty foods, no red meat and NO MAYO!

Unfortunately for the kid making the sub, a prickish little fucker who was looking for a fight, my friend does not take it well when you screw up his food order. Trust me, I know, he has given me shit for it when I put something in wrong on his lunch order.

Food comes and my friend is relaxing unwraps it and takes a big bite. Mayo goes everywhere. Health nut gets aggravated.

"Uhm, hey, yeah you said you knew my order, I really didn't want--" my friend managed out before the lippy 18 year old cut him off.

"Yeah, Yeah, no mayo." the kid said giving my friend the biggest look of disgust.

"Well if it's not a big deal, if you could just make me a new one." The kid began his work on the sub. As my friend watched the kid takes the mayo gun and fills the entire sub roll with about a gallon and a half of mayo and drops it on the counter.

My friend just smiled."Uhm,well friend, I did say no mayo, and I quite clearly--" he was cut off again.

"You got what you got MOTHA FUCKA!" Health nut goes berserk.

Before anyone knows what happens my friend launches the mayo crusted sub through the air like Brett Favre bombing a long one down field. It hits the kid square in the chest. Mayo explodes EVERYWHERE! The kid tries to come over the counter and has to be held back by a few of his coworkers.

Needless to say, my friend can't eat there anymore...

Just like me, except mine is a Wendy's...

A couple of good friends and I used to get together weekly for a lunch at Wendy's. This particular day I had been slightly hung over. Needless to say I was pissing a LOT. Just before we went to order I stopped to hit the head, did my business in the urinal and then went about my OCD, anal retentive hand washing ritual when I noticed the urinal was really, really loud.

I turned my head in time to see the urinal spill over onto the floor. Then begin to spray on the wall. I walked out calmly and motioned my friends to the door while I mouthed "Go, go, GO!" Unfortunately for me, My ID dropped on the floor of the rest room when I reached in my pocket for some hand sanitizer. There was already a message on my answering machine by the time I got home.

"Hello Mr. Bartender, this is Jeff. I am the manager from the Wendy's you were at this afternoon. I do not know what you did to the restroom this afternoon, but I am going to have to ask that you NEVER return to our restaurant." I called back and tried to explain that I was embarrassed by the situation and had figured it would stop on it's own eventually.

They needless, to say, were not in the mood for my explanations, nor did they believe the urinal just overflowed on it's own. Apparently they had to close for two days to repair the damage and disinfect everything... It's been a while since I didn't have to drive out of my way for a Spicy Chicken Combo...

What can I say? At least I didn't shit on the floor...

Unfortunately and much to the chagrin of my staff, I can not say the same for one of the patrons of the bar today. The bar is not the place you would expect to walk into and find a half naked man covered in feces just hanging around in the restroom.

Unless you went there recently. The poor bastard had a simple accident. What followed however was the best part. He asked the Bartender (whom he reffered to with a very informal version of his name) very calmly and like he was asking for a refill, to "Go tell that little lesbian looking broad I'm sitting with that I had a bit of an accident? Thanks Buddy!"

The bartender walked out shaking his head awestruck. "There is, I just, it's everywhere." I asked what the hell he was talking about. "it's on the walls man." he managed out.

"What?" I said, more than slightly confused.

"There is SHIT. All. Over. The walls..." He said straight faced just shaking his head. This guy would've made the Tucker Max incident look like nothing. There was literally shit covering 90% of the floor. Like and elephant had drank some Colon Blow 3000. And this is NOT a small bathroom.

There is a special spot in heaven reserved for my staff.

Until Next Time Friends... Don't Drink Anything I Don't Know How to Make...

Mac The Bartender