The life I lead often puts me in the proverbial “right time, right place.” I happened to have one of these interesting evenings when I went out with one of my best friends after the Buffalo Irish Festival last Friday. Now let me start by saying, these “right place, right time” events are becoming fewer and fewer the more domesticated I become.
I started out the night simply enough drinking Guinness, listening to Irish Music, eating Lamb Stew and watching the Rince Na Tiarna Irish Dancers tear the roof off the event. I enjoyed it, as I do every year, with my Friend Johnny Hopkins. Per tradition (and Johnny’s insistence) we decided to go have a drink downtown at a bar my friend Billy works at. This is where the hilarity began.
Bada Bing is usually a fairly tame crowd. Everyone flocks there for their food, assortment of beer and whiskey and Billy’s wise ass remarks. We hung out on the patio and enjoyed the cool night air. This young Bartender (whom I’ve never met in my life) approached and asked what we needed.
“I need one thing, sweetie. I need you to go to Billy and tell him I want to arm wrestle him. She looked at me like I had three heads. I just smirked.
“Wait, you what?” I smiled again.
“Trust me, it’ll be worth it.” She walked away muttering something to herself and shook her head. I could see Billy’s face from where I was standing and he seemed pretty damned confused. He walked over and smiled when he saw who it was.
“You are fuckin’ dip shit.” Billy stammered out between chuckles. He knows our order without having to ask. We make some idle talk with Billy until I hear something which sounds vaguely familiar. It sounds like someone is getting thrown out of a bar. I make my way up to the patio gate when I see someone yelling at a cop who happened to be walking by when he was thrown out.
“Fuck these assholes!” the drunken mess screamed. I watched my friend Kyle who was working the door, he stayed pretty calm throughout. The cop was willing to let the kid walk away until he tried to swing. Then he was more inclined to have him assume the position.
All that the cop said was “Assume the position.” Right away you could tell something was off with this kid. He was breaking out into a cold sweat and his eyes were darting around like a teacher who just got pegged with a spitball.
He started to backpedal now. “Uh, just forget it, I’m sorry, I’ll get out of here.” He said trying to stand up.
“Too late” said the cop “now get your hands back on the front of the car.”
Now things became clear. The cop pulled bag after bag of cocaine out of the kid’s track jacket and pants pockets. BINGO! The kid reeled around without notice and head butted the cop. He tried to take off like a flash to the young cop's right. The officer grabbed him and was able to momentarily restrain him on the rear of another car.
The coke head again flailed his head forward at the officer who was by this time prepared for it. Captain train wreck hit the pavement face first and was in cuffs before any of us knew what happened.
A girl to my right asked what was going on. I explained how the kid had head butted the cop twice after they found six little baggies of cocaine on him in an effort to evade capture. The girl was mortified. She ran back to her group and began to tell them the story.
Again this kid jumped up and tried taking off, this time in cuffs. It didn’t work out too well for him. He again wound up on his face, this time with a knee on his neck. A drunker and slightly less entertaining man from the girls group ran up to the fence screaming that he had it all recorded on his phone.
“This is Police Brutality. You’re using excessive force! I have it all on camera!” I looked at him and laughed.
“Police Brutality my ass. He resisted arrest and assaulted an officer. He’s lucky he didn’t get tazed!” I said with a smile. Two and two finally clicked to four and I realized the girl who I told the story to was probably the drunk guy's girlfriend and the drunk guy was obviously the coke head's friend.
“Bull shit, they bounced him off of a car!” He snapped back.
“He’s lucky they didn’t bounce him off of a stun gun I said. He head butted a cop and had six bags of cocaine on him!” I said quickly.
“Fuck you asshole!” These guys must really like rectums. I mean seriously, everyone was an asshole to them.
I then began to count the baggies of coke sitting on the hood of the cruiser for him. “One, two, three, four, five” I paused, “oh wait, there’s lucky number SIX!” I said pointing them all out.
The girl approached us and began to intervene “Come on, it’s time to go.” She said calmly.
“Fuck that!” He said. “I’ll Channel 4 News! These, pigs can’t get away with this!”
More proof this buffoon was hammered. I'm pretty sure he meant to slur out "I'll send this to Channel 4 News, or I'll call Channel 4 News." but no, this drunken mook mumbles out "I'll Channel 4 News." Like he is going to psychicly channel a dead spirit named "4 News."
By this time we had a fairly good crowd around us, laughing at the amateur paparazi with the Blackberry. I turned around and saw the shift commander glaring from his Ford Explorer.
I could now do one of two things. Let this kid get himself locked up with his buddy (who by this point was trying to kick the windows out of the Police Cruiser from the inside) and laugh as they hauled him off to sleep it off in the drunk tank, and possibly get tagged with an accessory charge.
OR I could try and level with him, let him realize that he need to shut the fuck up and go home so he could bail his buddy out in the morning, without having to explain to his parents why they were both in jail when THEY had to com bail HIM out.
“Listen buddy, your girlfriend is right, why don’t you get out of here before you get yourself in trouble? That Lieutenant in the SUV isn’t very happy with you screaming words like ‘Pigs’ and ‘Excessive Force.’
"She's not my fucking girlfriend!" he screamed. Johnny, then as if to add insult to the drunk kid's already hurt pride, jumped in.
Oh, REALLY?" he said swooping in and putting his arm around the young lady's shoulder. She didn't have to say a word to let us now that she wasn't amused.
My advice, and Hopkin's failed pick up attempt were met with a hearty “Fuck you, ASSHOLES!” As the drunk kid stormed off the patio and confronted one of the officers. Sometimes there is just no saving people from themselves. I’m pretty sure he got hauled off too.
As this was all happening, the kid who owned the shitty early ‘90’s era Nissan the coke head was bounced off of came out of a bar across the street screaming about the dent in his rear fender. Johnny being the mouthy prick he is decided to fuck with the kid who owned the car.
“Dude, the dent is the least of your worries! The Passenger side rear fender and tail light assembly is held together with duct tape! Trust me no one is gonna notice the ass print before the duct tape!”
"But I didn't have this dent! Who's gonna pay for this!?"
Johnny tossed him a five dollars. "Get a bumper sticker and some more duct tape" He then tossed him five more "and some tampons you whiney bitch." Nissan boy walked away with his head down, defeated and verbally trounced.
When it was all said and done I walked up to Kyle at the door and inquired whether he was thrown out of Bada Bing or the neighboring bar Venue.”
Kyle looked as proud as a new kid with a bike. He smiled ear to ear as he proclaimed “Yeah, that’s right, I threw him out. Dick.” and lit up a smoke.
Just more proof that, Buffalo Native and Cocaine Enthusiast, Rick James was right. Apparently cocaine IS, in fact, one hell of a drug.
Until next time friends… Don’t drink anything I wouldn’t.
Mac The Bartender
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