A day in the wilderness...

It's been a crazy few weeks...

Monday I decided to take a ride out to the Rez. I needed a little time to myself. Time to get away and time to clear my head and think. I tend to think best with a fishing pole in my hand.

On my drive out to the reservation I drove past where the Shamrock used to be. I smiled. It's been a very long time since I passed there. Although a Tim Hortons stands there now I still rememebr the times I spent visitng with my friend and mentor Jason. It was the first time in a long time I could think about him with with an air of amusement rather than a feeling of remorse.

I thought about the amazing chicken wings he made and the jokes he would send at me from over the bar. He was a good friend and I miss him a lot.

I have been rather nostalgic lately. I have spent a lot of time thinking about Big Jer. It's been 18 years since he died. I miss my Grandfather. I often wonder how different things could have been if he hadn't passed away. But as they say when it's your time it's your time.

I guess why I have been so nostalgic is because my life is drastically changing. I am about to move into a house with a young woman I care very deeply for. We may not have things perfect but I don't think it could get any better. Honestly I dont think I would want it to. It would probably turn out to be one hell of a dull life... :-D

I suppose these life changing events are what have really been putting me into this mind set and casuing me to re examine how my life has been led up until now. I haven't exactly been what one would call a model citizen. I have made my fair share of mistakes and done my fair share of "living life to the fullest."

I always thought I had a full and happy life. I had plenty of friends and always had money readily available. But it came with a price. I had punished my body and my spirit both physically and emotionally. I had pushed friends and family away in favor of leading the life I wanted to.

What I realize now is while I had plenty of "friends" I had very few FRIENDS. And while I had money to buy the nice things I wanted I was usually miserable (and for a period of time in college perpetually drunk.)

Now looking back on it I regret ever having done it. It distanced me from my family. My father in particular.

I have never really been particularly close with my father. We have a good relationship and I know I could go to him with anything. He would bend over backwards for me and I would do the same for him.

Despite this I have always felt an uncomfortable akwardness with my father. Like seeing an old friend for the first time in years and not knowing what to talk about. You see when I was young my father had to do what he had to do. He had to work second shift to support his family. Unfortunately it led to my father and I not being able to develop much of a close relationship with my father at times when I proably could have needed to the most. As I grew up I held this against him(real mature right?)

I understand now how foolish it was.

That is what I have come to realize as of late. That I always relaize my errors far too late. Fortunately I am learning to spot when I am making a bone headed move before I do it.

But whta can you do? Thus is human nature...

Until nextime... Don't drink anything I don't know how to make...

Mac The Bartender